Apple Rearranging Earth To Fix Apple Maps, Says The Onion

While Apple is working hard to make Apple Maps more accurately depict the Earth, in The Onion’s world Apple takes a wholly different approach.

According to fake news site, The Onion, Apple is taking it upon itself to change to world to fit Apple Maps instead of the other way around. This includes moving building around in cities, destroying famous landmarks, and even moving whole cities. The ultimate goal is to remake the world as Apple sees it, not how it actually is.

To complete the goal Apple uses construction teams to move buildings and add streets through the middle of some buildings. Apple also has plans to move the city of London to Canada, to remove the Brooklyn Bridge, and place large green pixellated tiles over the city of Tokyo.

In The Onion’s world Apple CEO Tim Cook assures users that one Apple Earth is complete they won’t need public transit directions. In Apple Earth “there will be no public transit.”

The Apple fan quoted in the satirical video understands that Apple Maps was just a way to show Apple’s view of the planet. He’s just disappointed that it’s taking Apple so long to move the city of Baltimore into the middle of the ocean where his iPhone says it is.

Apple’s new Earth will be complete by Christmas, and is a mandatory upgrade for all iPhone users.

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Keeping with The Onion’s practice of saving the best joke for last, Google announced that it has the ability to create a rival Earth that’s exactly as everyone remember it.

We’re sure Samsung’s Galaxy Earth would prove more popular than Google’s Nexus Earth, however. Samsung’s Earth will look mostly the same, but every footstep makes an annoying fake droplet sound that’s hard to ignore and any new major construction plan will take twice as long.

  

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