Talk Isn’t Cheap: The Cost to Buy All Apple’s New iPhone Goodies

With Tuesday’s unveiling of the iPhone 5C, 5S, and a passel of other new goodies, Apple did more than lob a “gotta have it” hot potato into the laps of consumers. No doubt Apple completists (including this writer, who owns an iPhone, MacBook Pro, iMac and iPad Retina) now have a quandary on their hands: how much of the new stuff to buy before the credit cards max out?

Seeing as some Apple acolytes know no end to their devotion, and America is the land of consumer bliss, we went a step further with this not-so-hypothetical question: What if you bought everything Apple introduced this week?

Here’s how much it would cost you. And if you need to rob a bank, we trust there’s an app for that.

iPhone 5S: Of course you want it; that shiny iPhone 5 of yours that felt so new and sleek a year ago now sits like a rusty abacus in your hands. Let’s assume you go full bore and get the 64GB model, in gold.
Total with 2-year contract: $399 (Total without contract: $849)

iPhone 5S premium leather case: They’re not available (yet), but they’re made of leather with a microfiber lining, and it’s “designed by Apple in California.” Go ahead, charge it.
Total: $39

iPhone 5C: Because this phone brings out your inner Imelda Marcos shoe fiend, you want one in all five of those cute colors — every single one — to match each pair of your Chuck Taylor high-tops or Tory Burch flats.
32 GB iPhone 5C: $199 Total: $995

iPhone 5C cases: Here, you’re going to show some restraint, because dammit, you can. One silicone case per phone — “beautifully, unapologetically silicone,” as Jony Ive might say — each matching the color of 5 new iPhone 5Cs.
Per case: $29
Total: $145 

Wireless plans: Hmmmm. You could at least get one plan from each carrier, and you’re gonna do it right. Get your significant other to double down on two more plans and you’ve got all six phones covered. Just be sure to explain to them that they’ll still be your phones, right?
AT&T: $120 a month buys you unlimited minutes, unlimited messages and 5GB data 
Sprint: $110, same plan
Verizon: $110, same 4 GB data
T Mobile: $70, same plan 4 GB data
Monthly cost for four plans, plus two extra plans from AT&T and Verizon: $410 

2-meter lightning cable: It’s only a matter of time until no-name Chinese factories make the knockoffs. But they won’t be Genuine Apple Products, will they? Get one, a spare for the car, and one “just in case.”
Per cable: $29
Total: $57

Now, let’s add all that up. How did we do on our little Apple picking adventure?
$2,045 total to keep our phones working for a month.
One-year grand total: $6,555

Assuming you clear $25 an hour, it will take you 262.2 hours to earn the lucre needed, or about 6 1/2 working weeks at 40 hours a week to raise the necessary funds. Of course, that’s assuming you don’t spend a dime on frivolities like rent, utilities, food or other unnecessary stuff.

And if you really feel like splurging: how about a 5th Generation iPod, circa 2006, with Steve Jobs’ signature scrawled across the back in permanent marker? Sure, it only holds 30 GB and uses one of those ancient USB cables for synching. But Steve Jobs’ signature, even if it looks like a third grader’s, is beautifully, unapologetically priceless.

Still, you can put a price on this Apple slice of history: eBayer “craigerocksngemz” wants a modest $9,999 … or best offer.