Ten Biggest Surprises Apple Could Unveil Today

By now there has been so much speculation leading in to today’s Apple event that almost nothing could surprise us. Almost. But who knows what shocks the super-secretive company might have in store? Here are ten Apple announcements that would be truly surprising.

10. Announcing Apple Play

iTunes Store, iBookstore and App Store to be combined into one and renamed Apple Play. Desktop client will still be called iTunes.

9. New iPad to support 5G

More Gs is better, right?

8. Three new iPad models: iPad 2 Seven, iPad HD X and iPad Gobot Mega 13

Available in screen sizes of 5″, 8″ and 11″ diagonals.

7. New service called Boobtime

Pre-empting 98.5% of phone hacking attacks, Boobtime automatically detects bare breasts in photos and posts them to the Internet.

6. New App: Cards Deluxe

Instead of sending your message on a printed card, it will be sent on a laser-engraved iPod touch with custom lockscreen. Prices start at $199.

5. Siri renamed Stevie

Answers every question yes, no, or “what are you, a moron?”

4. Each iPad HD ships with a new extended trailer for “The Avengers”

I will buy two.

3. Mac rebranding

In keeping with the OS X naming, Apple will drop the “Mac” from all product names. The new unbranded lineup will consist of the Book Air, Book Pro, Pro, Mini, and i.

2. Kid Rock endorses the new iPad

Because Kid Rock will endorse anyone or anything if he gets royalties.

1. One More Thing: Introducing the Apple SDTV

A 20″ CRT with video playback at 480i DVD-quality. Starting price $999.